Dog’s 2 ticks
Monday, August 13, 2007This story happened when I was in college.
The avenue is one of the busy roads during daytime within the city. Along that long road lies a public cemetery and like any other cemetery, it is cold and lonely especially in the middle of the night.
A friend of mine was suffering a broken heart when his girlfriend eloped with another guy. As a breather, he found himself alone and lonely walking along the avenue. It was almost midnight and it was cold, thanks to the heavy rains that evening. There was no one except for one or two cars passed with great speed.
Rain started to pour again and no PUJs were in sight. He ran to the nearest waiting shed, the one nearer to the cemetery gate. He stood there waiting for the rain to stop or PUJ to pass by, whichever comes first. In his peripheral vision, he saw someone near the gate. He felt a chill in his neck. He tried to ignore what he saw and the fear that started to build up.
In seconds, he sensed something bearing on his left side. He took a deep breath and finally looked. There she was, few inches from his face. Her eyes looked directly into his. It was the loneliest eyes he ever saw!
Black Hole
Saturday, August 11, 2007The sky, even as a child, it fascinates me. I dreamed of becoming an astronomer so I could study the sky and everything in it. I used to spend time watching the stars and moon. In day, the forming clouds and even if it hurts the eyes, the sun. I learned an area of the sky and learned it intimately until it becomes a cornerstone of my private map. The area of my sky is not a complete picture but a tantalizing one. It invites guesswork, fancies and theories.
Just like my life.
It occurred to me that the sky is parallel to life. A phenomenon in the sky is a phenomenon of life.
I have known my galaxy and now it was different. It had been altered. The changes distorted the surrounding sky.
Ode to the entities who taught me smoking
Thursday, August 9, 2007High School life was the best until I stepped into college.
First two years were boring. Boring subjects, boring teachers, boring lesson, boring classmates, boring everything and boredom stirred up the quitter in me.
But I woke up one day and realized there is no such thing as boring everything, only boring minds. Incontented with the same sh*t, I tried mind boggling, mental aerobics but I settled for mental masturbation to anesthetize myself and encapsulated boredom in the back seat of my mind. For happy thoughts I needed for my flight, I took amphetamines to get my life a life.
Infringing the redundancy of my so-called life, three entities disturbed my full circle.
I don’t know how I find them or how they found me or how we found each other. Or did we, really?
The three creatures kept me hanging between sanity and lunacy during those days when I was trying to find myself for I am not sure if how I lost it. Actually, we still hold on until now for my sake and for theirs, too.
Fate was maybe weary that time when it played a joke on us, as it collected me and Allan in the back seat of the dark room where Ms Judy tried to grab our attention.
Ritchel didn’t exist at that moment as far as I am concern but she was somewhere in that same dark room. King? Who would have thought he was alive?
Tell me who your friends are. I have 3!
Alam mo na ba?
Thursday, August 2, 2007Dumating ka sa buhay sa isang pagkakataon na hindi ko inaasahan. Hindi kita kaylangan, hindi ko kinakailangan nang kahit sino sa buhay ko. Hindi ko binigyang pansin ang pagdating mo. Sabi ko sa isip ko, aalis ka rin kapag ipinaramdam ko sa’yo ang pagbabalewala. Pero hindi, wala na akong magawa, andiyan ka na eh.
May nagbago agad sa akin. Ako pa rin naman ako. Ganun pa rin naman ang molecules na bumubuo sa katawan ko pero highly-charged na ang mga ito. Kapag nagpaparamdam ka, halos mabaliw ang bawat cell sa sistema ko. Naglulundagan, parang baliw na nag-aamok, parang lamok na carrier ng dengue na nasa loob ng kulambo, parang addict na lowbat at gustong tumira.
Noong inamin ko ang pagdating mo , punong puno ng sari-saring emosyon ang puso ko. Sa sobrang gulo, kahit ang trilyon-trilyong neurons sa utak ko hindi ito kayang i-dentify.
i can’t wait forever
Sunday, July 29, 2007I am here in a place not where my physical body is.
Floating
Praying
To whoever more powerful than me, if there was, there is.
Prove your power.
Bring me to where my mind is.
My mind went home, is at home.
Where is my home?
What is home?
I missed the feeling of feeling at home.
I hate to be here,
But…
Still I am hating to be here.
Who’s to blame?
Cast the stones on me.
I cast the first stone on me.
Leave me no choice but to breathe just for the sake.
I’ll wait.
Can he wait?
In time…
But
I can’t wait forever.
Glad my mind’s at home.
I’ll wipe my tears.
Bing
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
She was wearing black on the evening of May 1, almost 3 years ago. She curved her lips forcing a smile but everybody around her sensed her misery. She smiled shyly as people asked questions which she answered while trying to drown the pain in her words.
I looked at her, though anxiety was in her gaze, it was not only her beauty I thrown into. I walked slowly towards her. I have something for her that surely would break her into pieces. I hated it because it left me no choice but to break her at that instance.
She smiled at me a little slowly. Then I dropped the bomb. Her exceptional warmth which began slowly faded slowly too. He left her. She is now alone. She refused to hear it and let tears engulfed my words. I turned my back, can’t bear to see her pain.
For 27 years, they lived the same lives. Theirs was not a perfect union but I knew they can’t live without each other. Greg and Bing struggled in one to guide four lives preparing in a battle called life. And on that fateful night, I recognized Greg was so sorry for going ahead and leaving Bing.
Watching her cry for many nights from the night he left her, my spirits were sinking rapidly. They would have sunk lower if not for her own words, full of assurance that everything’s okay if not for her, for us her children. She is in pain but she won’t let us know.
The bomb she caught was not the first in many years that she has been a mother. Different bombs from four of us in different forms, in different intensity shattered her. She was devastated but it never crushed her spirit. She always stood up with the regal angle of her chin, with her motherly strength and high hopes. And like any mothers, she never gets angry with our failures but she let us realized that every time we fall, it was her knees that get bruised.
Now that she is alone in her bed they once shared, on the breakfast table in the mornings, in meetings that supposedly called “Couples for Christ,” I wonder what keeps her going. Is it for the reason she had not yet prepared a very solid ground for us? Does she believe that we can’t fly without her? What send shiver me is the thought of how long will she hold on for us.
The four of us, Totit, Jean, Pj and me are so careful now not to cause her pain again. We see how weak her emotions right now, that another stir can make her wasted and tired to go on holding the last rung of the ladder. We love her. We may not say it often or maybe we always assumed she knew it. But deep in us, we love her simply because she is more than our mother, Bing is our Life.
Oist, beer pa!
Friday, June 29, 2007Consciousness is a consciousness of something rather than itself.
Sabi yan ng isang phenomenologist, ewan ko kung sino at kung kanino nya sinabi. Pero narinig ko yan sa teacher ko dati nung college ako. Yung teacher ko (lalake siya) kung pumasok sa klase panyo lang at saka eraser yung dala. Madalas niyang pinapampunas ang panyo nya sa whiteboard at ang eraser (piece of tela lang kasi) sa mukha nya. Hindi siya conscious hehehe pero pag nagsimula nang magbulungan at ngumisi ng parang aso at kabayo ang klase bigla siyang nagiging conscious.
Matalino siya, oo! Kabisado nya ang tinuturo. Hindi siya yung tipong galit agad at biglang magpapa quiz kapag may tanong ang estudyante na hindi niya masagot. Lahat dinadaan niya sa diplomasya. Bilib ako sa kanya kasi meron siyang powers (related sa hipnotismo siguro ang attributes) na pakalmahin ang klase. Hindi ko matandaan pangalan niya at nakalimutan ko na rin kung anong itsura niya pero tumatak sa isip ko ang ilan sa mga turo niya na natutunan rin niya malamang sa guro niya na natutunan rin ng guro niya sa gurong nagturo na…..
Ang explanation niya sa saying (?) quotation (?) basta…
Day off
Wednesday, June 27, 2007Nung una parang uhaw na uhaw akong sumabak sa trabaho. Isipan ko lang ang mga sinayang ko na oras at panahon pagkatapos kong grumaduate nung college, parang malaki iyong pagkakamali. Kaya nung mgaka-chance ako na mapasok sa isang NGO dito sa Guimaras, hala! parang ayaw ko nang dumating ang 5pm, yokong mag log out! Hindi naman sa gusto ko agad na yumaman, major reason ko lang ay malungkot kapag maaga akong nakakauwi sa bording house ko. Hindi pa ako nakuntento, nag-apply pa ako bilang part-time editor sa isang local paper sa Iloilo. 7 days a week na ako kung kumayod, walang pahinga. Halos hindi natutulog at laging wala sa tamang oras ang kain. Pero napansin ko lang, kulang pa rin sa kin ang natatanggap kong sahod, bitin pa ring panggimik at pangload. Exhausted na rin ako at drained. I decided na pumili na lang sa dalawa kong trabaho. Mas pinili kong mag full time writer/editor. Ok naman ang sahod, libre pa 24-hrs internet. Mag-one year na ako sa work ko. Ang tanong ko lang…
Bakit ngayon pa? Bakit ngayon pa ako hindi pwede mag day off?
Gusto ko mag day-off! Kaylangan kong labhan mga hinubad kong damit or else hubad akong papasok sa trabaho. Pag day offin nyo ako!!!!
Ngiti
Monday, June 25, 2007Hikab! Pang ilan na nga ba? Pati yata sa pagbibilang hindi ko na kinaya sa sobrang antok. Aabutin pa yata ako ng second coming of Christ sa paghihintay pero hanggang ngayon, narito pa rin ako.
“Maguwa na!” (Aalis na!) sigaw ng konduktor sa wakas.
Siguro ay tinablan na si Manong Driver sa mga nagbabagang mata mula sa akin at sa iba pang mga pasahero. If looks could kill, hindi lang double dead si Manong. Sa una mabagal, yun pala we’re preparing to take off. Ilang segundo pa lumipad na ako sa pangunguna ni Manong Driver na bigalng nagtransform sa pagkapiloto. Hindi basta ng erplen ha, jetplen! Kahit pilit akong hinihila ng antok, hindi ko nagawang pumikit. Baka kasi sa pagdilat ko nakangiting anghel or worse nakangising si Taning pa ang mamulatan ko.
Bigla kaming naglanding.
Akala ko malaking bag ang sumakay pero bata ang umupo sa harap ko. Kumaway siya at ngumiti. Hindi sa akin, sa nanay niya.
Inosenteng ngiti. Parang tranquilizer sa kung sino man ang pag-ukulan nito. Puno ng assurance.
Gusto ko malaman kung anong gusto niyang i-assure sa nanay niya.
Gusto ba niyang sabihin na:
“Nay, wag kang mag-alala pagbubutihin ko ang pag-aaral.”
O kaya..
“Nay, iaahon kita sa hirap. Magiging sikat na doctor ako.”
O baka…
“Nay kung hindi mo na ako kayang pag-aralin, sasali na lang ako sa starstruck.”
O di kaya…
“Salamat sa baon nay.”
Nainggit ako. Hindi sa baon niya.
Sana at the end of the day, may chance akong ngumiti tulad ng ngiti ng batang kaharap ko. Yung ngiting gustong ipaalam sa mundo na naging makabuluhan ang buhay ko sa buong araw. Yung ngiting may assurance na may magandang bukas para sa akin. Yung ngiting reflection ng inner peace. Yung ngiting galing sa puso, kahit hindi na inosente.
Syet! Lumampas ako!
Manong, paraaaaa….
*Just came from work
6:00am March 6, 2007
San Miguel, Jordan Guimaras
Insomia
Sunday, June 24, 2007Nakaupo sa kama
mga kamay nasa unan
ang kumot nasa paanan.
Nakatitig sa dingding
habang nakatitig ang dingding sa akin.
Ayaw pansinin ang bombilya
na siyang araw sa apat na sulok ng mundo
na ayaw umikot
sa katahimikan nababalot.
naghihintay.
Ilang milyon na nga ba
Ang tupang nakapila?
Nagtakbuhan.
sa mga butiking naghabulan.
Magsyota kaya ang mga umeksena?
Bago pa ang sagot
nagulat ang dalawang kamay
na patuloy sa pagtakbo
Sa tili ng sabungerong kapitbahay ko.
Alasais na pala.
Makatulog na nga.
Gustong maging manhid
Saturday, June 23, 2007Things messed up.
There was never a good reason why things messed up, it just did! This was not an unfortunate event. People choose to do it.
Even though people were presented with cornucopia of choices and could still choose only one – only one – it was remarkable how one would pick that messed up things.
I recognized that when people start f**king up things, they f**ck me too. No matter how clever little business I had built in my life, I have to master the pain of gripping for fear that I might fall. It isn’t good luck that makes life works. It is all hard graft and vision but a bad reaction to stimulus – let us call it – bad luck – could mess things up.
I knew that no matter how clever I am, how hard I work; bad luck could confuse me up.
I blamed it all to the phenomenon called interconnectivity. We are all interconnected. The S-R Theory. It is a non-stop stimulus-response cycle. The stimulus that stimulates my reaction is the reaction of other people’s reaction which is stimulated by other people’s stimulus. Or vice-versa. Or whatever.
It always comes full circle, now it makes me nauseous. I want to step out in the cycle, in the redundancy of things. I want to watch people f**cking up other people who mess up other people and let them hear me laugh out loud.
I want out for a whole time – if I can’t break the cycle.
But how?
The question is hard to bear because I know I have been bottled up in the sequence. I have to live with that. I am bottled up, no escape. No end to this conflict.
Someone says I should do what I think is right. And I say there’s no such thing as the right thing. No matter how I exert effort to do what is best for me, things would simply clutter for me.
Last resort. I have to anesthetize myself. Kaya nga gusto ko maging manhid.
