I killed someone!
Monday, April 14, 2008A bird came booming out of the brush just as the PUJ I was riding got up to speed at the intersection, the bird too fast for identification. It hit the metal just above of the windshield with a thud. The driver didn’t bother but when I looked in the rearview mirror, I saw the feathers filtering…like snow, though I am not sure how real snow filter.
It made me feel bad, not for not having a snow experience. It made me wish we had gotten to the point of intersection with the bird in flight a little earlier or a little later, not at that exact precise moment.
Victims are birds like people who arrived at the wrong place at the wrong time in too big hurry.
Like the poor bird, I too, had gotten in life’s intersection at a defined instant that made me a victim of circumstance.
I was at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person.
Someone pushed me off the cliff, I killed someone in me.
Similar to Gibreel Farishta and his reluctant companion Saladin Chamcha ( Salman Rushdie’s The Satanic Verses) who find themselves falling out of the sky, I had animated conversation with myself as I hurdled toward earth. While I was falling, slowly, I thought if this is how it feels dying, I would like to hasten my death to kill the person in me. (I cannot evaluate yet the success and failure of my demise.)
Did I learn anything at the moment of MY death? Yes – killing sometimes is essential to survive. It is not necessary that it is other people you have to slay but yourself. For the self is a cruel enemy.
Like the poor bird, the person in me is a victim of a pitiless adversary.
Kailangan din kung minsan madapa! – Madapaka, PNE
Previous Comments
This entry takes a while to digest. It’s very straightforward and yet very, very layered.
Posted by Ade at April 14, 2008, 8:18 pm@ ADE & OZY thnx for finding time to read
Posted by gustongmagingmanhid at April 15, 2008, 5:53 pmThis entry made me think. There are certainly times when things happen for that reason we cannot see at the moment. There are also times when things happen as a result of something we did or did not do.
Yes I agree with you that there are times some facets of our self needs to be killed in order for other facets to grow. However sometimes when these facets are killed, we cease to exist in a certain way that we did before one facet was killed.
Perhaps we can alter that part and not kill it. 
Ok enough babbling Hope Im making sense.
If we “only alter” one surface of our life that needs to be “killed”, that’s not killing at all… it’s like giving a “life sentence” to that facet. And when circumstance has its way of “giving parole” to that surface then we’ll be back to our old self.
“So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they’re busy doing things they think are important. This is because they’re chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.” –Morrie
This is taken from Tuesdays with Morrie. Maybe we should kill the “half-sleep” person in us, kasi if you only wake up that “half-sleep” self, tendency is that “half-sleep” will go back sleeping. Let’s kill selfishness so there’ll be room for compassion.
Ayan, kinakarir ko na hehehe
Than, thank you so much for finding time to read and sharing some of your thoughts on life. Of course, you’re making sense! I hope I AM making sense! hehehe
Posted by gustongmagingmanhid at April 23, 2008, 1:53 pmyung pinakamalala na yata
na pwedeng mangyari
ay yung patay ka na
tapos binuhay ka
para patayin ulit
tsk tsk tsk
Sabi ng aking propesor, hindi daw dapat tawaging bayani ang mga nagpapakabusabos sa ibang bansa,
Sang ayon ka ba?
Ex-link!
Posted by Anino at April 23, 2008, 8:31 pm@ xienahgirl
tama ka, wala ng sasakit pa jan!
@anino
tama ka! hindi rin dapat tawaging kagalang-galang ang mga taong nagtutulak para pumatay ang isang tao o kaya magpakabusabos sa ibang bansa!
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That’s an interesting post. A lot of people are “victims” of happenstance. but looking at it objectively, there are also serendipitous occasions.
Perhaps you can use your knowledge to kill certain aspects of yourself, and others.
Peace
Posted by Ozy at April 14, 2008, 5:57 pm