Dog’s 2 ticks

This story happened when I was in college.          

The avenue is one of the busy roads during daytime within the city. Along that long road lies a public cemetery and like any other cemetery, it is cold and lonely especially in the middle of the night.

A friend of mine was suffering a broken heart when his girlfriend eloped with another guy. As a breather, he found himself alone and lonely walking along the avenue. It was almost midnight and it was cold, thanks to the heavy rains that evening. There was no one except for one or two cars passed with great speed.

Rain started to pour again and no PUJs were in sight. He ran to the nearest waiting shed, the one nearer to the cemetery gate. He stood there waiting for the rain to stop or PUJ to pass by, whichever comes first. In his peripheral vision, he saw someone near the gate. He felt a chill in his neck. He tried to ignore what he saw and the fear that started to build up.

In seconds, he sensed something bearing on his left side. He took a deep breath and finally looked. There she was, few inches from his face. Her eyes looked directly into his. It was the loneliest eyes he ever saw!

Some say it’s a gift. To some, it’s a curse and to a chosen few, it’s unending wonder packed with amazement. I don’t care how they called it. I don’t have it. I am third eye blind. But for 27 years of struggling in this life, I have been into situations scarier than stories in books and movies.

For one is letting go.

I heard of the story about a traveler who, while traveling one dark night, falls off a cliff. But on the way down, he is saved by a branch of a tree. Hanging until dusk, nobody hears his cry. With vanishing hope, he calls on God. God tells him: “Let go of the branch”. But he was so scared he didn’t let go. When morning came, he looked down to see a hilarious sight: he was only a foot away from the ground!

Like the traveler, I was afraid to let go of the things that I cling to, to feelings both wonderful and painful, to people who walked in and out of my life. I no longer realized that I am holding on to a branch that I thought could save me from falling.

One time in my life where everything’s wrong, I came across with someone willing to help me make everything right. I thanked fate for being so kind in bringing the person to me. I even prayed that destiny would be kinder and will not allow us to separate ways.

Either I am not good in praying or life is just unfair.

How could I gave up something disturbing yet so beautiful? Someone who, I called my life?

I am face to face with horror of letting go.

Stubborn that I am, I still hold on to him, to the beautiful feelings we shared, to everything we had. His words, his memories, this entire person kept on haunting me. I knew, like an apparition, he will not last long in my senses. He will never be mine, for he belongs to someone else.

The idea of letting go of something wonderful and someone valuable as my life is unbearable. I never believed there could be such pain. The world seemed so muffled and away and empty. In emptiness, I have nothing to let go. I am lonely. And loneliness is another scary story.

I felt so much loneliness that it’s been like an overdose sending me into deep depressions. It’s a deep of a place in an abandoned building believed to have residence entity. I don’t want to go in there for no one would like to share it with me.

One day, I woke up with another demon coming to life. Loneliness and depression forced me in believing that I have no belief. That God is too busy with other people He loves most. Or, there is no God at all. Heaven and hell doesn’t matter to me anymore. I stopped bothering myself what kind of punishment lies ahead of me after this material world.

I had read in Bob Ong’s book that an argument of the existence of God is like an argument between two ticks whether there is a dog or otherwise. Maybe the dog the two ticks referring to, is busy screwing another dog that it didn’t even notice the itch in its body.

But again, the bloodcurdling idea of seeing a dog full of ticks is, as not as fear provoking as the physical pain the world is confronting.

War, disease, hunger, poverty, prostitution, pornography, child abuse, sex scandals, sex transplant. Church scandals, AIDS, HIV, drug addiction, vandalism, OFW, DH, murder, capital punishment, rape, Jemaah Islamiyah, Abu Sayyaf Group, NPA, kidnap for ransom, graft and corruption, election fraud, Garci tape, jueteng, EDSA I, EDSA II, the list goes on and on….

The scary stories in my life breeds questions: If I let go of the things that both wonderful and painful, am I exorcized? When do I have the courage to turn on the lights so I could clearly see my shadows that take refuge in the dark?  Will the ticks lose its grip once the dog start scratching?