i can’t wait forever

I am here in a place not where my physical body is.

Floating

Praying

To whoever more powerful than me, if there was, there is.

Prove your power.

Bring me to where my mind is.

My mind went home, is at home.

Where is my home?

What is home?

I missed the feeling of feeling at home.

I hate to be here,

But…

Still I am hating to be here.

Who’s to blame?

Cast the stones on me.

I cast the first stone on me.

Leave me no choice but to breathe just for the sake.

I’ll wait.

Can he wait?

In time…

But

I can’t wait forever.

Glad my mind’s at home.

I’ll wipe my tears.

Bing

She was wearing black on the evening of May 1, almost 3 years ago. She curved her lips forcing a smile but everybody around her sensed her misery. She smiled shyly as people asked questions which she answered while trying to drown the pain in her words.

I looked at her, though anxiety was in her gaze, it was not only her beauty I thrown into. I walked slowly towards her. I have something for her that surely would break her into pieces. I hated it because it left me no choice but to break her at that instance.

She smiled at me a little slowly. Then I dropped the bomb. Her exceptional warmth which began slowly faded slowly too. He left her. She is now alone. She refused to hear it and let tears engulfed my words. I turned my back, can’t bear to see her pain. 

For 27 years, they lived the same lives. Theirs was not a perfect union but I knew they can’t live without each other. Greg and Bing struggled in one to guide four lives preparing in a battle called life. And on that fateful night, I recognized Greg was so sorry for going ahead and leaving Bing.

Watching her cry for many nights from the night he left her, my spirits were sinking rapidly. They would have sunk lower if not for her own words, full of assurance that everything’s okay if not for her, for us her children. She is in pain but she won’t let us know.

The bomb she caught was not the first in many years that she has been a mother. Different bombs from four of us in different forms, in different intensity shattered her. She was devastated but it never crushed her spirit. She always stood up with the regal angle of her chin, with her motherly strength and high hopes. And like any mothers, she never gets angry with our failures but she let us realized that every time we fall, it was her knees that get bruised.

Now that she is alone in her bed they once shared, on the breakfast table in the mornings, in meetings that supposedly called “Couples for Christ,” I wonder what keeps her going. Is it for the reason she had not yet prepared a very solid ground for us? Does she believe that we can’t fly without her? What send shiver me is the thought of how long will she hold on for us.

The four of us, Totit, Jean, Pj and me are so careful now not to cause her pain again. We see how weak her emotions right now, that another stir can make her wasted and tired to go on holding the last rung of the ladder. We love her.  We may not say it often or maybe we always assumed she knew it. But deep in us, we love her simply because she is more than our mother, Bing is our Life.